If the Collar Fits

She writes of the selfishness of D/s:

My submission is selfish. I submit to please him, yes, and I submit also because it brings harmony to our relationship. But primarily, I submit because it pleases me. To be on my knees with his hand at my throat and his lips to my ear whispering filthy names brings me to a condition of rapture. To hear him tell me I’ve pleased him makes me feel good about myself. To be in public with him and to have him suddenly send me a Look that says, “You are mine, girl; act like you know it” gives me comfort.

Does this make my submission any less real? I don’t believe so. Some will say I am simply topping from the bottom. Please, don’t misunderstand me: I submit for my pleasure, but this in no way means that I am in charge. Oz makes the decisions in our relationship. Most of the time he asks for my opinion, but even if I think otherwise, he will get his way. I defer to his judgment because between the two of us, he is the better decision-maker. He is logical to a fault, capable of containing his emotions, and he has the experience to temper his idealism. When I am being punished, or when I stay away from a man Oz is suspicious of even when I see no reason for the doubt, I might not like it. But I know from experience that he is mostly right – which, while annoying, is far better than my track record. So while I might not enjoy his dominance in a particular moment, I submit because it serves my interests in the long run.

His dominance is selfish. Aside from the obvious sexual benefits, he gets a high out of it. It makes him feel good when I give him control and everything turns out right. It is what he does for a living and it is what he likes to do for fun. He enjoys watching me as I grow more and more confident about my abilities. It makes him proud to have been the catalyst to my transformation into someone else. That I enjoy it, too – that it is someone I want to be, is incidental. He gets pleasure from my enjoyment and I from his, and we feed off each other like that in a way that makes us happy.

Love is not selfish. Or is it? Where is the love in the union of two absolutely selfish people? How can I, as a submissive, submit myself to the whims of a man even I recognize is selfish? If I were called a worthless cunt, I would call that abuse. Yet there are people who do it, people who delight in it. You might think a man who wants to scar his submissive a monster, but I enjoy being cut and marked deep enough to leave permanent scars. Where is it abuse, and where is it simply two consenting adults doing what they want to do? When is kink unhealthy?

What makes a relationship like ours differ from abuse is that our interests match. The things that make us happy, the things we want for ourselves, fit perfectly together. Thus his acts of selfishness make me just as happy as they make him, and mine make him just as happy as they make me. For me, this is the best test of a healthy relationship: it serves your individual interests.

I believe not only that most relationships are selfish, but that they should be. Selfishness is a preservation instinct and with good reason. For a submissive to truly live solely for the pleasure of her Master is not only highly unlikely (if not impossible) and overly idealistic – it is unhealthy. It is forsaking her very identity. Anyone acting entirely and only according to another person’s wishes might as well be a robot. People should venture into relationships (of any kind, not just D/s ones, or romantic ones) because it is good for them. Otherwise, the relationship should be severed.

If the Collar Fits

Originally posted 2006-08-01 17:09:34.