Under His Hand

An excerpt from a really fine essay on coming to terms with a M/s relationship:

Master said He knew and He was waiting. Waiting for me to accept that this is going to be my life, that He’s not ‘playing’ and once I accepted that, He knew I’d come to Him and confess. Because until I internalize a truth, I’m just going through the motions of training. It’s like reading a book when you are thinking about something else. You can read the same sentence ten times and still not know what you read. He can run me through the paces for months on end and I’m not going to grasp the meaning of it if I’m not accepting it.

He said He knew it was coming by the way I’d been acting lately. Antsy, dodgy, resistant and not being able to look Him in the eye. I asked why He’d let me go on with it and He said He needed to see how far I would take it and how long it would take me to come to Him, that it would show what my devotion was going to be toward Him, toward becoming His. He can continuously yank me back to it when I stray, which is only going to work in the moment and only shows His level of devotion, or, He can sit back and see if I’ll make the choice to come back to it.

And I don’t want to make it sound like I haven’t been doing anything because I have. I’m not entirely bad. The majority of what I was failing on was my attitude and my approach to things. He never lost control of me and I was always obedient to what He *said*. But there is a right way to do things and a wrong way to do things and I had slipped into doing it the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. The things that I haven’t been doing are the things that I’m just supposed to do because my job, in part, is to take care of His property. I’d slipped in thinking of myself as His property.

So that is being rectified.

Punishment and consequences. There will be some, of course. I just don’t know what they are yet. He said He’d need to think on it, that this isn’t something that’s going to be “fixed” with a spanking. This is bigger than the Blue Stick (and isn’t that terrifying) and all He would say is that it won’t be pleasant.

Under His Hand

Originally posted 2006-09-25 05:47:41.